25 September 2007

It's Been A While

I cried a lot today. This afternoon mostly. I'm frustrated and felt like I should write the stuff that I'm thinking down. I don't know if it will even help or make sense. It might just make me cry more, but I need some sort of order, even if it's in the form of sentences--grammatically correct or not.

Several months ago, my parents told me that my grandma (my Dad's mom) has been depressed and his brothers and sister (who live near her) were concerned and decided to visit the doctor with her. A few weeks ago the doctors were able to determine that she has ALS (Lou Gehrig's Disease). I don't know much about the disease just that it breaks down your muscle function and is a possible cause of her depression. It's really hard to think of my grandmother as weak. She has always been very strong. I recall not more than five years ago seeing her chase a stray calf back into the pasture (did I mention she lives on a Dairy farm). Also within the past five years her doctor told her she had some of the strongest bones he'd seen (I don't recall if he said "ever" or in a woman her age). This was when she broke her neck! I wasn't scared. She's always been strong. She worked in the garden regularly, always doing something. She was a local librarian for 30 years (more I think). And now she has difficulty swallowing and has a chair with a lift because it's hard for her to get up.

My parents went to visit this last week and when they returned they strongly suggested that my sisters and brother and I try to visit as soon as possible. My mom offered to help with expenses which is going to make it possible. Sunday and Monday I had tentatively planned to go with my sister, her husband and their four kids in late November or early December (they wanted to wait for their newborn to have her first immunizations). But my other sister was frustrated because she could either go right away or wait until January because she is nearing the end of her pregnancy. Well, today they both decided to go in two weeks. The week that my photography class ends, my auto class begins and over the weekend that I am moving. So, I called my brother to see if he might want to come at a later time with me. He's considering going the same time as them (they didn't plan it, it's just what works best). Plus, it would be less inconvenient at work for me to wait until November to take the time off.

So, I'm struggling with the fact that I may have to go do this alone. I don't get to spend time with all three of my siblings and their kids (it's been 3 years since we've all been in one place at one time). And I'm worried that I'm being selfish. I'm trying to stick with my class even if it is an elective. Follow through with the Auto class, even if it is offered in the spring. Keep my original moving plans because that's what I committed to. I'm frustrated and disappointed and feel selfish. And I don't blame anybody. Well, maybe me. But I don't know how else to respond. Right now I'm hoping that somebody else will be able to travel with me. I've wanted to visit my family in Kansas for quite some time now but have not made it a priority. I know that I am blessed to still have all four of my grandparents living and I know that that won't be true for always. I want to relish the time that I do have with them.

I think I've run out of things to say. Please pray that I get to go to Kansas at the right time.