A week ago, I got a temp job. And two days ago I told them that tomorrow (Thursday) would be my last day because I got hired elsewhere. This will have been my shortest job ever. It was weird though, because I still felt anxious giving notice even though it was understood that it was a temp job and my boss knew that I was looking for another job. Now, onto the other job... Starting Tuesday, I will be the Church Secretary for Hope Chapel in Santa Rosa. Since November I have been attending their Saturday night services, going to a Friday night Bible Study there, and making friends up the yin yang. Not to mention, I was a part of their second mission trip to Cambodia this summer. I am super excited. Before I went for my interview, I prayed that if this is where God wants me to be that He would make it so, and if He had really intended something else for me, that He would close this door. So, it seems that this is what God wants me to do, now I just get to wait and see what else He has planned in this. I am excited and nervous at the same time. I am kind of expecting God to stretch me sometime soon. So, I guess I am just waiting in anticipation.
A couple of days ago, I was talking to my friend Jana about how I really enjoy being generous, but it was hard when I wasn't working, because I didn't have as much money. This morning a thought ran through my head, saying, "Stupid. You don't have to have money to be generous." I couldn't believe that I had forgotten so easily. EVERY time I return from a missions trip, one of the biggest things I notice and share is about how the people we meet have so little, but give so much. These people probably don't even have 1% of the wealth I have (and I would not consider myself wealthy at all) but they give and give and give everything they are able. Time, money, energy, blessings. I am the one who makes a big show of giving bags of gold, while they are the woman who quietly gives her last coin and nobody notices or cares.
God, teach me a lesson in sacrificial giving. True generosity. Something that doesn't need to be acknowledged and something that will stretch my faith. I love you, LORD, and I trust you.
19 August 2005
"For I know the plans I have for you" declares the LORD, "plans for welfare and not for calamity to give you a future and a hope."
Jeremiah 29:11 NASB
I feel like I keep returning to the same place over and over again. I just can't get past this "waiting room" of life. I think it becomes so much more visible to me when many of my friends keep passing important milestones in their lives. I have friends who have already started their careers (teachers), friends who have a masters degree or are in the process of getting one, several who are getting married. And then there is me. In some aspects I have had the opportunity to do a lot (mostly in regards to traveling), and I wouldn't trade that for anything. But, I also feel like I am just floating or treading water trying to figure out which way to go. I'm 23, I still live with my parents, I never really did much with college (a few lackluster semesters at the J.C.), and I don't have a job. Now, this is nobody's fault but my own and, granted, I had a pretty good time traveling in the past few months, but for the past week or two I have been transported back into some form of reality that tells me that I really need to figure out what I'm going to do "when I grow up" (or at least in the near future) and I need to decide soon.
Maybe it might help to write down some of the goals I do know.
1. I would like to move out of my parents house in the near future (perhaps before the end of the year). I expect this will be with some sort of roommate.
2. Get a job. I'm afraid I may be extraordinarily picky, but I have this weird philosophy that one should like their job. And I know that I definitely don't want to work retail or food service (I will if I must...but would prefer to enjoy my job). This is one of the hardest tasks, because other than that I don't have any concrete idea of what I want to do. There was a time when I really wanted to go to school for interior design, and there have been times when I wanted to get into youth or music ministry and in high school I thought I was going to be a high school math teacher. I even have dreams of being a missionary at this time. But I don't have one clear vision.
For the time being, I assume I will get some sort of clerical job that pays enough to get me into an apartment. But I am afraid of getting myself hooked to one thing. I even have dreams of moving to a foreign country (and I have had enthusiastic response from several friends--I'm not sure whether to take it as encouragement, or as a "get away from me" vibe), but even with that, my thoughts are so vague. I don't know where I would want to go or what I would do once I got there. Being a grown-up isn't as glamorous as I thought it would be when I was 10.
Well, thanks for reading about my troubles and pleases be praying for clarity and focus in my life.
Lord God, You see I have had many desires. Please fill me with your desires and direct me to the path you have planned for me. I want to do your will and even if it is scary, give me the courage and strength to follow you. I need your guidance more than any time I can recall before. Please make your will so blindingly obvious that I cannot even attempt to ignore it. I love you, God.
Posted by Anonymous at 12:00 PM