19 August 2005

Here I am Again

"For I know the plans I have for you" declares the LORD, "plans for welfare and not for calamity to give you a future and a hope."
Jeremiah 29:11 NASB

I feel like I keep returning to the same place over and over again. I just can't get past this "waiting room" of life. I think it becomes so much more visible to me when many of my friends keep passing important milestones in their lives. I have friends who have already started their careers (teachers), friends who have a masters degree or are in the process of getting one, several who are getting married. And then there is me. In some aspects I have had the opportunity to do a lot (mostly in regards to traveling), and I wouldn't trade that for anything. But, I also feel like I am just floating or treading water trying to figure out which way to go. I'm 23, I still live with my parents, I never really did much with college (a few lackluster semesters at the J.C.), and I don't have a job. Now, this is nobody's fault but my own and, granted, I had a pretty good time traveling in the past few months, but for the past week or two I have been transported back into some form of reality that tells me that I really need to figure out what I'm going to do "when I grow up" (or at least in the near future) and I need to decide soon.
Maybe it might help to write down some of the goals I do know.
1. I would like to move out of my parents house in the near future (perhaps before the end of the year). I expect this will be with some sort of roommate.
2. Get a job. I'm afraid I may be extraordinarily picky, but I have this weird philosophy that one should like their job. And I know that I definitely don't want to work retail or food service (I will if I must...but would prefer to enjoy my job). This is one of the hardest tasks, because other than that I don't have any concrete idea of what I want to do. There was a time when I really wanted to go to school for interior design, and there have been times when I wanted to get into youth or music ministry and in high school I thought I was going to be a high school math teacher. I even have dreams of being a missionary at this time. But I don't have one clear vision.
For the time being, I assume I will get some sort of clerical job that pays enough to get me into an apartment. But I am afraid of getting myself hooked to one thing. I even have dreams of moving to a foreign country (and I have had enthusiastic response from several friends--I'm not sure whether to take it as encouragement, or as a "get away from me" vibe), but even with that, my thoughts are so vague. I don't know where I would want to go or what I would do once I got there. Being a grown-up isn't as glamorous as I thought it would be when I was 10.
Well, thanks for reading about my troubles and pleases be praying for clarity and focus in my life.
Lord God, You see I have had many desires. Please fill me with your desires and direct me to the path you have planned for me. I want to do your will and even if it is scary, give me the courage and strength to follow you. I need your guidance more than any time I can recall before. Please make your will so blindingly obvious that I cannot even attempt to ignore it. I love you, God.


Kristie Allen said...

Oh my dear friend I feel your pain. I am in the same stinkin spot. I'm in the process of searching for a job and an appartment (because I live with my parents too) I just cam off a spiritual "high" in Cambodia and I just want to go back...and on top of it all I'm PMSing!!! But I have found comfort in Philippians 4:12-13 "I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do everything through him who gives me strength." Also remember Philippians 4:6 "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God."
I often feel as if I am tredding water and slowly sinking but I finally realized that these negatives that seem to consume my life are only temporary. We won't be single forever, we won't live with our parents forever, we won't be unemployed forever. God has a plan and as much as I get sick of hearing that it's true. Don't let yourself get wrapped up in feeling stuck because that is how satan is preventing you from being affective in God's Kingdom! Many hugs and blessings!!

Darla said...

yeah, since i am moving away from my parents. i'm kinda sacred. but i know i'll be back so that's no biggy. but it's like what do i do after college. i want to be a teacher for sure but now i'm unsure if i will be good at it. i mean i love kids but can i teach them. ah, i have 2 or 3 more years to ponder this and figure things out. and living in the dorms at Simpson is not exactly living on my own since i will have rules to follow. so i don't know just pray and see where God leads you. Proverbs 3:5-6 reminds me always to trust. i would suggest staying in school unless you feel lead otherwise and stick with the JC or anyother cheap education until u know what you really want to do. some people go to 4 year school undecided and come out with a degree and no idea what to do with it. some people start a job after high school and get stuck in it like my mom but you can work your way up in companies like HP or Agilent until u get layed off after 32 years and have to go back to school at 50 like my mom. wow is my ramblong longer than your blog.
bye Darla

Maryellen said...

you girls are oh so young...yeah i know, you don't want to hear that...but i didn't marry my current husband until i was 27, i didn't have my first child until i was 29, i didn't get my college degree or start my career until i was 38... alot of time wasted, a lot of life lived...as long as you are trusting the LORD you have one major one up on me...proverbs 3:5...everyone's favorite it seems, at times like this, ofcourse Jeremiah 29 is a good one two.