I had an argument with my dad today. I think I knew it was coming. I just wasn't really sure what the breaking point would be. For a while now, we haven't been able to hold civil conversations. He will ask me questions that he's asked me a thousand times before and I will give him answers such "I don't know," or "Maybe." I almost always say, "just a minute" when he asks me to look at something or asks for my opinion. I'm not sure why I am so aloof with him. I suppose that it is just that from previous situations, I'm really not sure how much he will take my opinion into consideration. And I feel like when he tells me something or tells me a story, he just wants to hear the sound of his own voice (I'm afraid that I may take after him in this way, sometimes - I like to tell people stuff). I just haven't figured out how to tastefully and respectfully tell him that I've already heard what he has said and really don't need to hear it again. Or should I just sit there and listen quietly.
Well, tonight my brother, Ben, called, and after he spoke to my parents, he asked to speak to me. I knew what he wanted to talk about. Five years ago, when I graduated from high school, Ben offered to me, as my graduation present, a trip anywhere Alaska Airlines flies (he works for them). Somehow, over the past 5 years, we have never found an appropriate time to take the trip. Over my last birthday we planned to go to Mexico, but that never happened. So, I told my brother that I would come visit him and his family (they are currently living in Oregon). He sent me a ticket that was good for 90 days. When it was about to expire and we still couldn't find a time that worked for both of us, I sent it back for him to get it extended. Well, today, he asked me about when might be a possibility to come visit. I suggested that the beginning of May might be good. He liked the idea too, because he and his wife would have some time off during that time, and he suggested that I could spend some time with all of them and also stay with his two daughters for a few days while he and his wife went away for a few days. I made mention to Ben that our parents will be in Europe from May 4th for several weeks and we'd have to make sure that the house was watched and I would find out more later. Well, my dad seemed to feel that I was making "last minute plans" without consulting him and was irritated that I expected us to find someone else to watch the house (which could be my sister, or a neighbor has has housesat for us before). He then told me that he did all sorts of things for me, but he gets no respect, I pay almost no rent (something agreed upon with my mom) and that I need to "do something" and move out.
I was really upset. I attempted to defend myself, but wasn't sure how to say it and I definitely didn't speak as respectfully as I am supposed to. I didn't want to be in the house and I just grabbed my purse and some shoes and left. I started driving and then came to the realization that I wasn't sure where I was going. I just felt all alone. I just wanted someone to come to mind as the person I could call or go to their house and lay out my problems and get comfort and guidance and just a safe place to rest. I know God is the ultimate at that, but I wanted someone I could touch. As I drove in a circle around the city many people came to mind, but I was afraid to intrude, I didn't know so and so well enough to arrive at their doorstep crying, my two best friends were too far away. I, for a moment, considered driving to Davis or even L.A. but didn't really think that was a good idea with tears streaming down my face and a speedometer that works some of the time. Plus, I have responsibilities-places to be. About 15 minutes into my drive my mom called me to make sure I was going someplace "safe." I told her that I didn't know where I was going (that's how I feel about life sometimes) and she suggested a few places that I had already vetoed for the reasons above. And then I told her that I just wanted to go home and go to bed but I didn't want to be around my dad. And she told me that he had gone to bed. We talked for a little while and she told me that my dad just wants to be in control and felt like I wasn't consulting him, and she gave some other reasons for his behavior. She suggested that he didn't want me out of the house but he wanted to know what my plan is (for the future). All I wanted was some way that I could make things better between my dad and I, but that's the one thing I don't know the answer to. I have told him that my intention is not to just be lazy. I'm still paying rent even without a job. I decided that it would make more sense for me to wait until I return from Cambodia to get a job. I think that sometimes I am so defensive because I have no idea what I am going to do. My life is totally different than what I ever expected. I was always a really smart girl. I actually liked school, but I never knew what I wanted to do "when I grow up." Because of that I ended up going to the JC and slacked off because I still didn't know and I was getting burnt out. I eventually got a decent "grown up" job so that I could go on an adventure (to Europe) with a friend and stayed there (at the job) for two and a half years, having no idea what I wanted to do for the rest of my life. A couple of months ago, I felt God calling me to "something different" and I still don't know what it is. And now I am an unemployed 23-year-old, living at home with her parents, wanting to see what God's will for her life is, but confused about how to survive in the "real world." I want to be independent, but I'm afraid I can't afford it. I just feel lost and alone right now. I must be in some weird transitional phase. I have friends but can't think of anyone I can really call on. I am so willing to support others, but I just feel like I have nobody to lean on myself.
Wow! If you took the time to read all the way through that, God bless you and I'm sorry. I don't get all that many chances to rant. I needed to let it out somewhere.
Lord, help me to rely on you, but also please place people in my life to be my earthly support system.